Shyness is a problem that is not often addressed as an adult issue. However, about 40% of adults consider themselves chronically shy. This article examines ways in which a shy person can help overcome the burden of a self-imposed exile.
What is it?
Shyness can be loosely defined as one’s reaction to a social interaction where the individual is uncomfortable, preoccupied, or self-conscious of one’s own behavior. There is an inability to trust oneself to say or do the right thing, and the result is either saying only what is expected, or saying nothing at all. This can be hard when negative reinforcement discourages trusting oneself, such as being mocked for saying the wrong word, or for speaking/acting inappropriately. One can interact socially, even to the point of being considered extroverted, but internal shyness prevents the 'real' person from emerging beyond the façade of 'proper' behavior.
Why am I shy?
One of the causes of shyness is a highly sensitive inner behavior guidance that prohibits and censures the ability to act freely and appropriately in social settings. That is, the little voice in one’s head hollers for caution more frequently than it does for non-shy people. Fears become magnified, negative reactions are more strongly remembered than positive, and non-interference may be seen as the only recourse. In effect, the mind imposes an exile from social interaction to prevent any possibility of committing a social blunder.
What can I do about it?
Practice makes perfect. Find situations where the outcome will not directly influence any future part of yourself, such as a chat room where you can enter anonymously, or the five seconds that you talk to the cashier at a grocery store (far away from home if need be). Practice interacting within these social situations – using scripted responses if necessary – and focus on how the others are acting or reacting both to you and to each other.
One trick that you can try is to accentuate your shyness – try to be even more embarrassed, more reticent, blush more, or focus exclusively on your own reactions. This is known as 'paradoxical intention', where you can learn to control over-reactions by deliberately creating ones that you already can control.